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lizilicious

Daily war: cynic vs. dreamer.
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This is a random set of 5 thank you notes to the 5 people I've loved in my life so far, for all the lessons you've taught me. I was a different person each time I have met you, and a different person after each time I have gotten to know and love you. And for all that, I am eternally thankful. Really, I am.

(EDIT) <-- This originally just had 4 people back when i first wrote it sometime in June 2013, but I've decided to edit it, to make sure this reflects me as of now, especially since it's the journal entry right at the front of my profile. I also recently loved this recent philosophy lecture we had before wherein our professor told us if you had stayed the same, you didn't really fall in love. And you know, I think that's true.

***
1.

You have taught me that there is more to the world than numbers on a piece of paper. You have shown me that questions are worth asking, even though you might not always find the answer. The important thing is the question, because it shows that I am trying to look for answer at the very least. You have shown me that I can never really stop growing and learning, and that in the end we are all idiots, every one of us, discovering things we have not previously known and always being proven wrong. It had all started from you, and I am not sure if I would just ended up following my parent's set and safe path if it weren't for you to show me there were other places I could go, and that I could reach. You have shown me the value of honesty, and how in the end I can only learn if I don't try to hide from what I have to face or what I have to say. You have taught me the value of passion, of never giving up, and always, always fighting for what I should believe in.

2.

You have shown me altruism and how to be a hero. You have always been a hero, in your own right. You were the first to show me that there are people as amazing enough to simply want to do good for the sake of it, never for the sake of themselves. You have taught me that kindness and affection can go a long way, and that sometimes all someone ever needs is a person to remind them that they are not alone.You have taught me the value of sacrifice, and in the end I learned that love was learning to value the happiness of another person simply for the sake of it. You are so much happier than you would have been with me, and for that, I am truly happy.

3.

You have made me believe I can do the impossible. You have taught me that there is no such thing as impossible. That many times, the world is wrong, and that it deserves to be shown that it is wrong. You have shown me that it doesn't matter if I might be crazy, that I have dreams far too big for me, and that being afraid of them isn't such a bad thing. I have learned about the darkness inside of me because I have had to face it for you, and I have learned that all I had to do was not let it consume me out of fear. You have taught me bravery. You have taught me dreaming. I have learned so much about myself from you, because we dared to get so close to each other that it hurt and it broke us and we needed to fix ourselves up afterwards, and even though it was different, I know we tried to help each other remember where the pieces fit. And I suppose at the start, and at the end, you have taught me the value of change.

4.

You were the first to really show me that I could be my own hero. You have shown me a world where everyone, in the end, is significant. Because they are, in their own ways. It was in the intricacies and in the stories that everything has come to happen in the way that it has, and I am so thankful for the way our intersections have collided across a supposed unlikelihood. You have shown me that words are not always needed to understand someone - because you are not very good at using them to express yourself, and you do not always understand my own, but I have always felt that we knew each other regardless. You are one of the greatest mysteries in my life because of that, but you have shown me that not everything needs an answer, and that's what makes things so beautiful. You have given me back an infinite amount of wonder to look at into the world with, and everything has become brand new to me. You have taught me happiness, and you have taught me that it is my own to give to myself.

5.

Before you, I've always been used to questioning my own happiness. There had to be some greater meaning or scheme or strings attached to why I would be feeling this way because there is always something else besides happiness. There just had to be. But it's different with you. I don't have to constantly be asking what I did to deserve this and I don't have to fully understand it or know the reasons behind my happiness - I don't have to keep questioning or trying to be sure that I love you. I just do. I've lived my life haunted by the futures I've planned but never saw fulfilled and have been weighed down by the pasts that destroyed those futures - but I think my recent philosophy classes have articulated it the best: with you, it's a timeline I don't have full control over and I can give in to that. I don't know what's going to happen, but for once I'm not afraid of it. All I know is that I can finally take these things a day at a time, moment-by-moment, because there's no time I'd rather experience except this time we have right here, right now. And I've found that I prefer that to any vague concept of a grander scheme to things, because this is what's real and what's right in front of me.
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To whoever you are (and whatever stupid pet name I may or may not have chosen to give you),

I have spent the first 13 years of my life with a clear picture of who I wanted you to be. I had a set of standards that I felt that if somebody met, then they would be perfect for who you would be.

But four years after that; two experiences in my life have proven to me that the best things come unexpectedly. That's the wonder of it.

Therefore, I'm going to begin this by saying that I will honestly have no idea who you will be, or what you'll be like. All I know is that in a world of infinite possibilities, it will be a wondrous thing to have met you amongst the thousands of choices and little moments that all led to this future.

A lot of people might say they want to meet the perfect guy, and that's who they'll fall in love with.

I don't want you to be perfect. That would be boring.

In fact, if there's anything I'd ask of you, it's that you won't be afraid to be flawed for me. I want to know you for who you are, for all the little details and bits that make up you. Because I wouldn't have loved you if you were anything other than who you were. I want to help prove to you that you're a thermodynamic miracle, and that you were an improbability that still sprung up in the world.

Therefore, in advanced, I wanted to thank you. Firstly, I want to thank you for putting up with me. I know how infuriating I can get. I know how I can be strange and not very easy to understand. But I guess the fact that you've chosen me means that to some extent, you do understand. Thank you for appreciating me for me.

I hope that whatever we have will make it. I hope that we both understand that it's not just about this giddy feeling of butterflies we get. Because by now I'm sure you understand that I'm a huge mess between a cynic and a wild, crazy dreamer. So part of me is terrified that one day you're just going to get up, walk away and say quite simply that the magic is over between us. That part of me is also terrified that one day, that might be me. So I hope that we can remember that what we have right now is also a commitment. It's a promise that we've made to each other. And if there's one thing I'm proud of, it's my stubbornness to keep promises. Hopefully you believe in the same thing, as well. But this marriage is obviously about two people. So we'll always need to compromise. And that will need honesty. So no matter how many fights we might get into, I hope we end up fixing them before we go to bed. And that will need the honesty and getting over the fear of hurting each other.

I'm apologizing in advanced for the days I'm going to be off. Even more off than usual, anyway. I really have no explanation for you to make you understand why there are some days when everything just feels so wrong. Maybe it will be those days I'm going to be more isolated and just write. Please understand that I have a passion for writing, and sometimes writing will mean I have to be alone. It doesn't mean I love writing more than you. If I could share that part of my world with you, I would. But I have no idea how. And I'm sorry for that. I'm also apologizing for the times you may find yourself in my writing. Even if it won't always be blatant: maybe you'll find one of our moments recreated in a story, or a character that salutes everyone goodbye the way you do. Sometimes, I won't be able to help it. You have, after all, become a huge part of my world. And I can't help it if I subconsciously end up proclaiming how wonderful those quirks of you are to all my readers.

So here's to hoping the best for the rest of our lives together. I look forward to all the adventures we're going to share: and please note that as a writer and a reader, I've come to understand that even the smallest moments can be adventures if you look at it right. This means that you don't have to feel pressured to always emblazon the times we spend together: I'm not picky when it comes to where we are while we're on a date, or what we're doing.

Even if we just lie in bed all day and talk about nonsensical things and play with each other's hair, I wouldn't mind. It's you, specifically, that I've chosen. Not the places you took me out on dates. Although, a small hint, but I'm sure you know this by now from the time before we got married: I love toy stores and book stores, and maybe making random commentary on things while we're in them.

That doesn't mean I don't want to try new things though. If you ever get tickets to an awesome play, or to a new country, I would love to go with you. I guess all I really want is to be able to say I've made memories with you.

I'm sure I love you. And I'm sorry for the times I'm not exactly physically affectionate. I try my best to show it in whatever way I can. But I'm not cheesy or sweet. At least, not in the conventional way. I hope you understand that.

Also, I'm sorry for always taking your cookies.

Love,

Me(or whatever stupid pet name you may or may not have chosen to give me)
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It's been a while since I've decided to go write a blog entry that let me reflect on everything going on in my life. I guess it's just been a while since I've NEEDED to, is all. Wow. These past few days have been murder on me. And quite frankly, it doesn't help that everyone has such shallow things to worry about like school. Sorry. It's just. I don't see why it's THAT big a deal. I just hate it when people go on and on, and even go as far as comparing intelligence to grades. When I see people who are willing to give up living an actual life for their grades. I don't mean a life of parties or something. Just…being able to actually make a difference in other people's lives. But I digress.

This is bringing out the worst in me, is all. And that terrifies me more than anything. It's just one of those moments where I suddenly stopped and realized that if I'm not careful, I could let it all out. I've seen what the darkness in me can do. I've already broken someone once because they made my friend cry. Wasn't pretty. Not a very clear memory anymore, but still. I almost unleashed it again today. And for a long while I just hated myself for not being more careful, because I guess I thought it had gone away before already.

But…I guess the darkness in us never completely goes away, does it? So it's good that when I played my Winamp on shuffle it started playing a song from one of the best games I've ever played: Persona 4. The title of the song was I'll Face Myself. Waha.

I just needed to remember…That ignoring the darkness in you doesn't make it go away, only thrive on your own fear of it.

So I guess I need to face it. I need to understand that it IS a part of me. That…it exists. No matter how hard it might be to accept that when I see that hideous part of me, I always need to accept it for what it is. So this is a struggle for me, too. I have stuff I need to find and to fix, and I guess it won't be easy, and it'll take longer than a couple of days to solve this.

But I've always been a stubborn headed idiot for anything I've considered worth fighting for. And god damn it, if I'm accepting the disgusting parts of me, I've got to accept that part of me too. I'm a fighter because of one of best friends, who, though he's gone now, has taught me more things about myself than I will ever care to admit, because sometimes it still infuriates me that he figured it out before I did.

Every nightmare that I've been having since I was a little girl was just the darkness in me trying to let itself be heard. This time, I need to accept it on my own. And now I realize, it's not because I don't need you. I misunderstood what I was feeling this morning. It's because… I need to remember who I am again. To see myself in crystal clear honesty without anyone trying to tell me what they see. This time, I need to sort it out and…oddly enough, become friends with it.

And if love is having the strength of will to choose to go beyond yourself, then I'll need to learn to fix this too. I've said it before, but this time, I need to tell myself this. Because I'm tired of this blaming and stupidity.

A relationship is about two people.

So yeah. Claustrophobia, I'm also looking at you. You've been a stupid fear all my life, getting in the way of shit. I'm sick of you. >_> I'm getting over you, once and for all.

But anyway. Sorry this blog entry is kind of bleargh and scattered and my thoughts are weird and not expressed or worded very well.

My writing has been off in general, lately. That's why I haven't been posting any of it. =)))

So yeah.

And you. You bitch.

You look like a housefly. Or in the words of my best friend, some form of cephalopod. :)

That's the most I'll say to you. Anything else gives you meaning and relevance.

Been a while since I've signed off a blog entry in the usual way I do but… I've missed doing it. XD

That is all.

-SeMi
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Hello, all. This is just a little summer tribute thing for myself, so that I can never forget the greatest summer of my life so far.

A special shout-out to those who made this summer amazing:

DUMDUM/TEDDY
LYIRE/PADFOOT/MOWGLI
My team.
-Including the graduated seniors and the awesome newbies. :)

Fun memories of this year's summer:

-IDeA 3
-->Fine, we didn't break, and no MC team made it to Grands, but still. First, thank you to Nikki, who was undoubtedly one of the most fun people to prep with ever. :D Team-On and Pumbaa! Hakuna Matataaaaa~ And singing Maroon 5 songs all throughout the first day of the tournament was great. Not to mention our epic Legendary-themed shirts, and the most fun prep time I've ever had so far during the third round where we had given up because we had nothing to lose, and then got the best scores that day.
-->And then the second day was mostly just spent with my Dumdum, watching Rugrats on his laptop and playing DND with him and Nikki. XD

-Briefing/advertising for tryouts
-->It felt really great, knowing there were so many people interested in trying out. It felt good to know that that many people seemed genuinely interested in joining, because of the promoting we did. XD It made me realize how awesome we sounded "on paper." 8D

-IDeA Grands.
-->Brought the whole lot of newbies to let them watch the debates! Gave lectures, and spent more time with my dumdum. XD Then played Lazer tag!

-Team Bonding at Greenbelt, KARAOKE!
-->Started out with training at MC, then they kicked us out. :/ =)) So we debated outside by the emo corner, then left for Greenbelt. Dumdum was with us too. XD KARAOKE WAS SO FUN. We ended it by all singing Build Me Up Buttercup while dancing.

-SLEEPOVER WITH LYIRE.
-->Epic! Played Little Big Planet, watched FRIENDS, watched House, went on Facebook and laughed at people we used to hate/still hate/used to be friends with but now hate/and other stuff. Made snarky comments, laughed a lot, and had the most fun confe ever with my dumdum and Peeta.

-Date with Dumdum!
-->We fail at looking for cabs. =)) Went to Trinoma~ Played at the arcade! I fail at shooting games. D: We looked through toystores, yay. XD Then we watched Source Code. cx Then had dinner. Yaaay.

-Double Date!
-->Met at McDo again. I forgot why, but we were laughing really hard walking towards the car. =)) Then we picked on Peeta during the car ride to greenhills. Then we ate at Burgoo. XD I think the waiters/waitresses were staring at us because we were being so hyper and retarded. =)) We went around Hobbes and Landes and Fully Booked~ Then we watched Thor! It was alright. XD We played lazer tag! We beat the really loud annoying group of guys. We were only 4, and we were paired with 3 kids. =)))) I was last though. I suck. D:

-Voice Lessons
-->I loved voice lessons. XD They were really tiring because of that exercise thing, but I had missed singing. :) I sang Journey to the Past for my recital! People at the recital were really friendly.

-Review
-->I hated review, but making random commentary about everything with Paige was pretty okay, I guess. XD

-Summer Training
-->Great mix of productive and awesome. :D

-FAST FORWARD! WON WITH DUMDUM!
-->I dunno. Just. Teehee. c: Undoubtedly the best tournament of my life.
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Woosh~

1 min read
Getting ready for college is making me so nervous. ._. Wah. D:

I dunno. I just...feel old I guess. I used to think I'd stay a little kid forever, and now I'm a High School senior, hoshit.

And it's my last year in debate. D:

Gwaah. The future. TT^TT

What if I don't pass. D:

Or...just.

Gah. :rofl:

Anyway

Hello, all. 8D
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